courage

I remember when I was in school and I would cram all my studying into the last few minutes… my grades were as varied as my concentration levels back then. As a kid, I always thought that having consistently great grades translated into a big booming self-confidence. But now that I’m back in school and actually enjoying the process of learning (although it’d be nice to do it in times that are not usually set aside for, ummmm, sleep), and getting those grades that are supposed to make me feel ready to conquer the world… I am still terrified at the thought of job hunting. I guess confidence doesn’t lie in great grades after all. Where is it then? I don’t know, I’m still trying to figure that out. Why do all good things seem like light floating feathers that I’ve just happened to catch on some lucky day?  Maybe I feel undeserving, I’m not sure.  And maybe it’s not a good idea to get stuck in that breathless position. Before a big step, there is always that time when I am motionless. “Move”, I tell myself, but my body is stiff and powerless. Paralyzed by fear. And I am comfortable in that position. I think it’s important to admit that to myself.  It sounds bad but, you know, there is something worse than fear, and that is vulnerability.  Fear is a fortress.  But who really wants to live life as a fortress or a statue, frozen and silent on the sidewalk while life, laughter, and tears run by like a class of excited children on a special field trip.  One day, though, one day, I take the leap. I always do.  I come out of myself, walk behind me, and give myself a push.  Or sometimes, I put my arm around myself and say, “It’s okay, whatever happens, it’s okay”.  Because sometimes we just need to love ourselves that way, to not let life go by while we sit with our arms wrapped around our knees, heads tucked safely in our laps.  We need to open our arms and free fall, embracing the changes to come.